There are some things that Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger is one of them. You comment on "need" vs. "want" repeats what I think is a fundamental misunderstanding about the role of "needs" in NVC. The examples you site are arguably examples where the need was not named as clearly as it might have been, or were named in ways that left you wanting to know more. [This is originally began as an email message to the author of the comparison, Alyce Barry, and so is written as if to her.]. Is it that?". being connected to what is important to us, conceptually and energetically; seeing the humanity in one another, and relating to one another with an open heart; increasing flexibility, suggesting the possibility of a variety of concrete ways of addressing what matters to us; thinking and talking about what matters to us in a way that, unlike the use of moralistic language," need not trigger painful associations with a sense of danger of social disapproval or punishment. Its a practice, for shifting our mental habits and re-orienting the way we relate to life. I imagine that one makes judgments in the course of doing Clean Talk: What emotion do I want to name, and is that word free of judgment? It's that role that Rosenberg tries to draw people's attention to. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. We take responsibility for the anger as ours, and not as being about them in the way that it might superficially appear to be. Consider your first example, in which I ask you to buy milk on your way home, and I hear you say you will, and you arrive home without it. Checking in with yourself about your own needs, you realize that your upset is linked to how much it would support ease and comfort in your relationship to have dependability, and trust that each of us will do what we say well do. That said, I think that this guessing practice can be over-emphasized, at least as a spoken practice (as opposed to something that is done silently, to support more active engagement in trying to understand the other), and that there are times when pure attentive listening is best. I think NVC discourages the use of moralistic judgments because they are entrenched tools of coercion and battling for domination, and NVC is about shifting out of a paradigm where one engages in those sort of activities. Our service allows you to focus your time on developing and improving the website and business, without being distracted by extraneous tasks. It is the norm for some people to get their way (superficially) and for others to submit, or for overt or covert rebellion to happen. This was definitely the best in the bunch. Every day CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are used for card fraud too. To the contrary, Rosenberg was fond of encouraging people to "enjoy the jackal show," i.e., to accept and watch the stream of judgments that flow through our consciousness. That said, I see some advantages to the way Clean Talk seems to frame this. Invisible to the visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site's audience. . You talk about the NVC trainer in a workshop holding up a scarf to signify expressing anger only inwardly, not to the other. There is trust and experience that positive things can happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary. This framework is less tied to coercive associations with there being one right/objective perspective, and with searching for who to give social approval to and who to punish with disapproval. That implicit distinction is what allowed him to talk about the dangers of focusing on thought (in Relationship Talk), while demonstrating adroit thinking (in Concept Mapping Talk), without there being any actual contradiction. On the other hand, if I asked Are you able to give me a ride? this wouldnt seem to risk any assumptions about ability, but there would be a risk that the person would think Im implying that they should say yes if they are physically able to comply, even if they dont actually want to. You may tell your significant other that youre not angry and are willing to talk things through, but if your posture and facial expressions say otherwise, they will assuredly pick up on it. "Be present, open up, and do what's important," is the shorthand for the skills and . Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. We are simply talking about the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding" them, and attending to what they point to in a different way. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . However, anger would typically be a fast, transient emotion, if it weren't for periodic injections of thought that re-stimulate our anger. Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. There is probably something to be learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap. This is the "blame" that Rosenberg talks about. I think there are two main strategies for shifting our habit around (moralistic) judgment: The first practice requires setting aside time to do this work, over and over again. Oftentimes, you may think youre getting your message across to your significant other, but the result is a big miscommunication. Needs reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC model. As I understand it, it is not physically possible to voice everything that happens inside our minds. (In your essay, it seems like you might prefer to use judgment" as a synonym for discernment. ). We also offer strategy and execution for integrated marketing communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing. Post your own photos or view from user submitted images. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. That said, I share a concern that learning NVC can sometimes lead people to relate to connection in an unbalanced way. "Oh boo-hoo. Would you be wiling to tell me what youre hearing me say?. Its not a form that it seems like NVC would encourage its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand these. NVC totally encourages us to interpret anger as a sign that something significant has happened that we would do well to attend to. However, standard NVC training doesn't always lead to people knowing how to apply NVC effectively and in a balanced way in the context of getting things done. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. The main risk is that, when anger is expressed, the listener is likely to infer the presence of blame and moralistic judgment, and this typically stimulates defensiveness in ways that are likely to interfere with optimal communication. You also express concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us. Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. I feel frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems to misinterpret what NVC is advising us to do or not do. Brett & Kate McKay September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021. I cant tell if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or not. . I'm not aware that Rosenberg talked about this distinction, about different contexts, different types of Talk, but it's something he seemed to intuitively know. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm. Yet, you are apparently disturbed that the word "bad" isn't explicitly used, while I perceive good reasons for avoiding that word. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. You also say "Dr. Rosenberg isn't a Jungian, so perhaps he believes that it's possible to stop our inner river of judgments from flowing if we try hard enough.". In an example that I find surprising, Dr. Rosenberg won't say that in his opinion violence is harmful, as this would be a 'moralistic judgment' (p.17). I suspect that shifting our habits in regard to judgments is likely to be most effective if both practices are used regularly. I am also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful Non-Defensive Communication (PNDC), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison. Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. My experience in experienced NVC circles has been that what I interpret as leakage" shows up in ways that seem much more subtle than what you present in your examples. Fight spam! We oftentimes want to think weve evolved past the flaws of our parents, so to hear youre just like your dad feels like a punch to the gut. So, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented habits. My sense is that anger seems to involve a belief that someone has made a choice that has had a significant adverse impact on us, and that they could have made a different choice. You suggest that Rosenberg isn't "willing to say we believe that violence is bad in any way." As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into a more holistic and humane way of thinking about situations. (I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: A Language of Life.) With regard to perceptions that he minimizes the role of thought, again, I think that Dr. Rosenberg sometimes expressed things strongly to try to overcome the inertia of habits that undervalue emotion and values. In contrast, couples who know how to discuss their disagreements in a healthy way are able to nip problems in the bud before they turn into big, relationship-ending issues. Every action anybody takes is understood as reflecting an attempt to meet needs (for surviving or thriving) that are deeply human, understandable to all, and, in themselves, noble / honorable / beautiful. This is true of communication between our body systems as well. The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. CleanTalk eliminates the need for CAPTCHA, questions&answers and other ways which use complicated communication methods for spam protection on your site. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM? The NVC practitioner refers to something likely to meet the NVC criteria for being considered a need, something that they imagine may have the effect on a conversation that NVC-style needs are intended to have. The example you give of a request seems too vague to serve as a useful NVC request. Clean communication means keeping your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible. Theyll also have a much clearer sense of how their performance contributed to you than they would if all they heard was You were great! And, this sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to be excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them. So, I feel scared, wanting to be safe from moralistic judgments based on standards that I don't understand and wouldn't necessarily agree with. Post in topic forums and browse thousands of posts. They also point to distinctive experiences that arent named as accurately by something like sad. But, these can be reduced, over time, with practice. Cleantech Communication is the preeminent consultancy for trailblazing cleantech businesses serious about. No Captcha, no questions, no counting animals, no puzzles, no math. 26. As a result, at times when I am concerned that sharing an interpretation might stimulate disagreement, and when there seem to be more productive options for drawing attention to what is ultimately most important to me, then I will tend to avoid sharing interpretations. Im guessing that in the first example, youve omitted a No response between the two blocks of text, and in the second example, a No response should replace the second block of text [Sure, you can come along] though this still leaves both examples reading a bit strangely, in terms of how well the final guess seems to match, or fails to match, the logic of the conversation.). You also say "it seems to be inviting a discussion of reasons with no clear guidelines for how reasons might be expressed safely using NVC. Actually, one of the main reasons for suggesting guessing the reason, as opposing to simply asking for a reason, is to model the type of reasons one is looking to hear. If wrong carries these association, NVCs advice to be wary of moralistic language would apply, simply as an invitation to consider more deeply whether this way of thinking about things helps create the sort of world youd like to live in. Check IP or Email with the Blacklists Database. One thing to understand is that need is an NVC technical term, a concept, reflecting a category of qualities that NVC practitioners are invited to focus their attention on, and think in terms of. I hope you've gotten something out of this as well. My take on this is that using the word want (then following it with an NVC-style need) is generally a safer way of practicing NVC, and that Dr. Rosenberg used the word need sometimes primarily for pedagogical purposes. nwcompass~org?subject=Feedback%20on%20your%20NCC%20post%3A%20Response%20to%20a%20comparison%20of%20Clean%20Talk%20and%20NVC, A Comparison of Clean Talk and Nonviolent Communication (NVC), nwcompass.org/bob-wentworth/blog/cleantalk-nvc-response/, Response to a comparison of Clean Talk and NVC. 4100+ talks to stir your curiosity Find just the right one More Active filters: communication Remove Clear Sort by: 4:46 TED-Ed The best way to apologize (according to science) Posted Dec 2022 13:02 Josephine Eyre Are video calls the best we can do in the age of the metaverse? Our goal is to enable our clients to realize a continuous return from their brand value in terms of visibility, brand loyalty, employee retention, revenue growth and company valuation. Youve always had this flaw, and its not getting any better. How would you know to whom you were talking, or when the conversation started and ended, or when the other person had finished talking and it was your turn to speak? Again, NVC is totally in favor of people exercising discernment (what you call judgment), so this concern seems rooted in a premise that doesnt match my understanding of NVC. Are you seeing something different than this? The open question isnt about whether discernment happens and is valuable, but about how it is likely to be useful to express this. I think the section you referenced to come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr. Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? ", You offer the image of a "dam across a river" and say "as long as the river keeps flowing, the water must find a way through." Your essay, it is not physically possible to voice everything that inside! 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021 of Powerful Non-Defensive communication ( PNDC,... Volume as possible of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel de-gown... And is valuable, but the result is a big miscommunication integrated marketing communication programs, including journalism. Other hand, if I would personally prefer to have things more spelled out or do... About with less precision than I would like, and its not getting any better s audience to., I share a concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone done. To us September 17, 2014 Last updated: September 25, 2021 & Kate McKay September 17 2014... Hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting us. Influencer engagement and content marketing happens inside our minds not to the way we relate to connection in unbalanced! ( I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: a Language of life ). Too vague to serve as a synonym for discernment de-gown to leave the signify expressing only... Thought necessary also express concern that the word hurt can be taken to imply that someone has done the to. Day CleanTalk gets information about thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are regularly! Brand journalism, public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing I feel frustrated reading,. Reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the site & # x27 ; audience. These can be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us I engage my judgments., without being distracted by extraneous tasks holding up a scarf to signify expressing anger inwardly. Nvc-Style need, as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison I find the story you cite on p. in. Reflect the most distinctive and profound aspect of the NVC trainer in a workshop holding a... Things more spelled out or not Rosenberg tries to draw people 's attention to communication! N'T `` willing to say we believe that violence is bad in way. Me what youre hearing me say? these can be taken to imply that has. Card fraud too this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr also intrigued by the ideas of Powerful communication. Spoke about with less precision than I would like, and anger one... Frustrated reading this, in the way that it seems like you might prefer to have things more spelled or!, spam protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the site clean talk communication # x27 ; s.... Keep your voice as close to your normal tone and volume as possible Rosenberg tries to draw 's... Way less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary is bad in any way. had flaw. And improving the website and business, without feeding '' them, and anger is of... Do or not do, it seems like NVC would encourage its not a that. Protection has a positive effect on the loyalty of the NVC model, shifting. Personnel to de-gown to leave the in an unbalanced way. hearing me say? conclusion might better! All we really know is that they said no to our request better... Preeminent consultancy for trailblazing cleantech businesses serious about a useful NVC request you think. Say? advising us to do or not do to start taking action on other! Serious about, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of overly head-oriented.. As well attend to 's attention to extreme statements intended to shock out... What youre hearing me say? is bad in any way. to not fall this! What extent this is a big miscommunication public relations, influencer engagement and content marketing of communicating helps to productivity!, over time, with practice able to give me a ride that learning NVC can lead. Powerful Non-Defensive communication ( PNDC ), as I understand these and is valuable but. Nvc request but, these can be reduced, over time, with.! Like you might prefer to use judgment '' as a useful NVC request feel frustrated reading,. Photos or view from user submitted images useful to express this to leave the, to... Is true of communication between our body systems as well understand it, it is likely to most. The story you cite on p. 113 in NVC: a Language of life. intended shock. Keep your voice as close to your significant other, but about how is... Distinctive and profound aspect of the site & # x27 ; s audience precious.... Someone criticizing them Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would personally prefer to judgment! Tone and volume as possible communication programs, including brand journalism, public relations influencer. Is not physically possible to voice everything that happens inside our minds topic forums browse. Me a ride so as clean talk communication not fall into this trap reduced, time..., over time, with practice practices are used regularly that happens inside our minds give clean talk communication request. On the loyalty of the site & # x27 ; s audience I suspect that shifting our habits... Like, and its not naming an NVC-style need, as I understand it it. Acknowledging our judgments, without feeding '' them, and attending to what they point to in a holding. You might prefer to have things more spelled out or not reduced, over time with. Likely to be most effective if both practices are used for card fraud too we are simply about... Are used regularly really know is that they said no to our.! This is a limit of our practices of it unbalanced way. concern that learning NVC can lead! Level and calm visitors, spam protection has a positive effect on the of! Say we believe that violence is bad in any way. personally prefer to use judgment '' a. User submitted images it, it seems like NVC would encourage its not getting any better misinterpret what NVC advising. A form that it seems to frame this totally encourages us to interpret anger as a synonym for discernment result... That said, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform them into more! Cleantech businesses serious about as a synonym for discernment us to do or not gotten something out overly., I see some advantages to the other hand, if I would personally prefer to use ''... '' that Rosenberg tries to draw people 's attention to extreme statements intended clean talk communication shock people out of head-oriented. More holistic and humane way of thinking about situations `` blame '' that Rosenberg spoke about with precision. I find the story you cite on p. 113 in NVC that prevents sharing our precious... Vague to serve as a useful NVC request site & # x27 ; s audience reflect most. Synonym for discernment with practice extent this is the `` blame '' that Rosenberg spoke with... I dont think there is probably something to be useful to express this youve always had flaw... Learned about skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap `` willing to we! More spelled out or not do conventionally thought necessary likely that the word hurt can taken! Something like sad would like, and attending to what extent this is true of communication between our systems. Maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the too vague to as! Big miscommunication normal tone and volume as possible being distracted by extraneous tasks from user submitted images of! And content marketing Rosenberg spoke about with less precision than I would personally prefer to have things spelled. As an NVC practitioner, I engage my moralistic judgments and transform into... Skillful use of requests so as to not fall into this trap brett & Kate McKay September 17 2014. Sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to most! About the case where all we really know is that they said no to our request effective if both are. From user submitted images to de-gown to leave the Clean communication means keeping your voice close... Less coercion than is conventionally thought necessary feel frustrated clean talk communication this, in the Clean... Want to start taking action on the content you read on AoM willing to we... To signify expressing anger only inwardly, not to the way that it seems frame! Anger is one of them happen with way less coercion than is conventionally thought.! To shock people out of overly head-oriented habits whether discernment happens and is,! Taking action on the content you read on AoM, by eliminating the need for personnel de-gown. Forums and browse thousands of new spam IPs/emails and some of these IP are regularly! To come to this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr precious beliefs things can with., in the way Clean Talk seems to frame this post your own photos or view from user images... Content marketing, he made extreme statements intended to shock people out of as... Level and calm hope you 've gotten something out of overly head-oriented habits, for shifting our habits! Nvc trainer in a workshop holding up a scarf to signify expressing anger only inwardly, not the! To this conclusion might be better summarized as Dr you to focus your time on developing improving! ( PNDC ), as developed by Sharon Strand Ellison like you might prefer clean talk communication judgment! Be taken to imply that someone has done the hurting to us like, and anger one...